


you are the apple of my eye

by bapaldeul



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Bullying, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, as per usual, more tags to be added soon, oblivious nielwink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:28:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bapaldeul/pseuds/bapaldeul
Summary: how long does it take jihoon and daniel to realise they've missed each other way too many timesor: that nielwink childhood friends au i always wanted to write





	1. sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> wow.. am i really starting on this au?
> 
> don't worry, this one won't be too long - either two or three chapters long.
> 
> thank u for supporting my works, i wish i could give hugs to all of you xoxo
> 
> i always appreciate all kinds of comments, feedback and kudos <3
> 
> please enjoy!
> 
> *title taken from the Taiwanese romance film 'you are the apple of my eye' if you haven't already watched it, please do! it's one of my favourites*

_March 2005_

Jihoon first meets Daniel in the spring – where the canola flowers are in full bloom, the sunshine yellow flowers stretching across the entire countryside. The beautiful colours of the canola flowers are almost akin to the happiness blooming in Jihoon’s heart when he’s introduced to his new neighbour.

Jihoon is six. And Daniel is nine, a whopping three years older than he is. Yet, he isn’t like the nine-year-olds Jihoon is used to from the city. The children in his old playground used to ostracize Jihoon, saying he was too young to be playing catch with the “grown-ups”, and Jihoon was left to play with his toy trucks alone at the corner.

Daniel greets Jihoon with a big smile plastered on his face, hands outstretched to wrap Jihoon in a big hug. Their parents watch happily from the side, Jihoon’s mother commenting, “I can tell they’ll be the best of friends”, and Daniel’s father humming in agreement.

“My name is Kang Daniel, but you can just call me Daniel. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for someone else to move in to this neighbourhood, I finally have someone to play catch with now!”

Jihoon doesn’t even get the chance to say anything to Daniel, because the older boy can’t stop gushing about all the fun they’re going to have together. 

6-year-old Park Jihoon doesn’t remember much from back then, but the memory of Daniel’s sunshine smile is etched into the back of his mind forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_June 2006_

Jihoon is seven, and finally gets to go to primary school with Daniel, who is ten. Because they live in a secluded area of Busan, they get up extra early each morning to ride their bikes across the countryside to go to school.

Well, technically Daniel is the one doing all the work. Jihoon doesn’t know how to ride a bike; he’s never learnt how to. So when Daniel lets him sit on the backseat of his very own bicycle, Jihoon is nervous. 

He can’t comprehend how anyone can balance on anything with only two wheels. 

Of course, Daniel rides the bicycle and transports the both of them to school with ease. He looks extra cool that day to Jihoon, with his hair flying in the wind. 

“Hold tight, Jihoonie,” Daniel reminds Jihoon, and Jihoon doesn’t need to be told twice. He wraps his arms tightly around Daniel’s waist, enjoying the morning breeze ruffling his hair.

They see the sunrise together every morning on the way to school, which Jihoon thinks is the most beautiful thing about Busan, really. Jihoon loves seeing the rays of sunlight peak out from under the mountains, and he especially loves the way the warm morning sun kisses Daniel’s skin, making him look even cooler to Jihoon.

Jihoon expects Daniel to ditch him and run to his friends when they reach the primary school an hour’s ride away from home, but he doesn’t. 

Instead, when Daniel sees how anxious and hesitant Jihoon looks about stepping into the school, he holds Jihoon’s tiny hand. It’s different from when Jihoon’s mother holds his hand when he falls, and it feels nothing like how his father’s hands feel when he gives Jihoon a goodbye hug in the morning.

Daniel’s hands steady Jihoon as they walk into the school together. Jihoon feels his lungs tighten when he’s faced with the strange stares of all the other students on him, but Daniel doesn’t let go of his hand until he personally brings him to his classroom.

“You must be Jihoon,” a nice-looking lady greets Jihoon when he stands at the classroom door. “Thank you for bringing him here, Daniel.”

Daniel smiles, reminding Jihoon of the time they met near the canola flower field.

“Please take care of Jihoon for me, he’s a very good friend of mine,” Daniel says, patting Jihoon on the back to assure the younger boy that everything is going to be okay. The lady tries leading Jihoon away from Daniel, but he holds tight onto Daniel’s hand.

“Don’t be afraid, Jihoon,” Daniel doesn’t lose his patience even when Jihoon refuses to go into the classroom alone. “I’ll see you after class, don’t worry. Go and make some new friends.”

Jihoon shakes his head, not wanting to be friends with anyone else other than Daniel.

Daniel squats down – even though he’s only ten at that time, he’s already significantly taller than Jihoon. Daniel places both of his hands on Jihoon’s shoulders, and says, “You’re a brave boy, understand? Don’t cry.”

Jihoon wipes his tears away, feeling embarrassed that he’s showing this side of himself to Daniel. In the end, he chooses to believe Daniel, and lets the teacher lead him into his classroom. Daniel doesn’t leave until he sees Jihoon sit down at his desk.

Jihoon realises at the end of the day that Daniel isn’t lying, and that everything does turn out okay in the end. He even makes friends with the boy who sits next to him in class.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two meet each other during lunchtime, and Jihoon hesitates when he sees Daniel playing at the playground with friends from his class. He isn’t sure if Daniel is going to want to play with him when he has other older friends to play with.

Daniel spots Jihoon looking at him, and waves him over. “Come here, Jihoon! How was your first class? Were your classmates nice to you? Tell me if anyone says or does mean things to you, I’ll show them!”

Jihoon smiles shyly as he lowers his head to hide his smile from Daniel. 

“It was good, hyung. I made a new friend, his name is Jinyoung. And he likes playing with toy cars. He also has no two front teeth; just like me!”

Daniel ruffles Jihoon hair and smiles proudly. “I knew you could do it. You did really well, you were so brave.”

Nothing makes Jihoon happier than hearing Daniel compliment him. In the end, Daniel doesn’t leave Jihoon alone; he even invites Jihoon over to play catch with his friends, and they have the best time of their lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_September 2008_

Daniel is in his last year in primary school, and Jihoon cries on his last day. Although it’s embarrassing to break down in front of the entire school, Daniel doesn’t shun Jihoon away, and gives him a big hug even when all the other students and teachers are staring.

He pats Jihoon gently on his back, knowing how Jihoon always needs time to calm down when he’s crying.

Jihoon’s tears are not stopped easily, but Daniel stays with him.

“Hyung, you aren’t going somewhere far away, are you?” Jihoon chokes out between his sobs.

Daniel laughs, pinching Jihoon’s cheeks, “No, silly. I’m just going to be down the road. You can walk there from here. Is that why you’re crying so much, because we’re not going to be in the same school anymore?”

Jihoon nods, admitting his true feelings. Although he has made his fair share of friends in school over the past two years, none of them will ever be able to compare to Daniel.

“We can still go to school together. But you’ll have to learn how to ride your own bicycle, because you’re getting really heavy, Jihoon.”

“Hyung!” Jihoon protests, but he smiles, knowing that he’ll still be able to see Daniel.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you. You’ll be better than me in no time.”

Somehow, that is enough to stop Jihoon’s tears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon falls from his bicycle his parents have gotten for him more times he can humanely remember. He scrapes his knees, elbows and hands on the rough road outside their house.

And Daniel is always there to help him up and make him feel better.

Although Daniel tries to be as encouraging as possible, Jihoon can sense Daniel growing increasingly worried when it’s almost sunset and Jihoon still hasn’t given up; even if he’s bleeding from all the places possible.

“Jihoon ah!” Daniel calls out when Jihoon falls again when he tries to make a turn. “I think we should call it a day and continue tomorrow.”

Jihoon forces a smile – even though it hurts everywhere. “It’s okay, hyung! I want to learn how to ride, just like you.”

Daniel’s face expression is unreadable when he walks up to Jihoon and helps him up for the nth time that day. Suddenly, he pulls Jihoon into a hug. It isn’t out of the ordinary, Jihoon and Daniel have hugged countless times. 

But when Daniel doesn’t let go even after a minute, Jihoon starts to think that something is up.

“Hyung?” he pipes up. “Is everything okay?”

Daniel finally realises that he’s lingered for a second too long, and lets Jihoon go. He nods, looking Jihoon straight in the eye. 

“I just don’t like seeing you get hurt.”

Jihoon successfully learns how to ride a bicycle the next day, and the two continue watching the sunrise together over the canola flower fields every morning after that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_December 2011_

Jihoon is twelve when he discovers that something is terribly wrong with him. 

And when he says wrong, he means horribly, ground-breaking wrong. 

Jihoon discovers one day when he lies in bed that he has feelings for Jinyoung, his good friend in school for the past six years. The fear strikes him like a bullet to his chest, because his whole life, he’s been told that boys like girls and girls only like boys.

And when Park Jihoon likes a boy, also known as Bae Jinyoung, there is something wrong with him.

He’s afraid, to even say it in his head.

_I like a boy._

The thought creeps into his nightmares, and he wakes up crying. He doesn’t dare to fall back asleep, for fear that he will have another nightmare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon’s eyes are red when he walks out of his house that morning. As usual, Daniel is waiting for him outside his doorstep with his bicycle beside him. Suddenly, Jihoon is crippled by the fear that Daniel is going to hate him when Jihoon tells him that he likes a boy.

Although he’s trusted Daniel his entire life, he just isn’t sure if Daniel is going to stay on his side this time. 

“Jihoon? You okay?” Daniel’s voice jolts Jihoon from his train of thought. “Did you even sleep last night, why are your eyes so red?”

Ah, Jihoon notices bitterly. Daniel can pick up everything about Jihoon, they’ve known each other for that long. Still, he isn’t sure if he can say it out loud, because it’s already terrifying enough to say it in his head.

His heart betrays him, and Jihoon collapses into Daniel’s arms and the tears can’t be stopped. Daniel tries to say something, but Jihoon shushes him by sobbing into his chest.

Daniel pats Jihoon’s back gingerly, still not understanding why Jihoon is crying so devastatingly into his chest.

When Jihoon finally lifts his head to look at Daniel, his heart feels a pang of sadness.

“Why...” Daniel doesn’t even know where to start talking. “Why are you crying? What happened?”

Jihoon’s fingers curl into a fist when he thinks about what he wants to say, yet wants to keep a secret forever.

“Hyung,” Jihoon’s voice cracks when he says this. “I think I…”

“Jihoon ah?” Daniel wipes the tears away from Jihoon’s eyes with his fingers. “You can tell me anything. Don’t worry, you’re safe with me.”

“I think I like boys.”

The silence that follows thereafter is deafening, the only thing that can be heard in the quiet morning is Jihoon’s quiet sobs. Jihoon doesn’t even have the courage to look up at Daniel to see his reaction, because he’s afraid of the worst.

The worst being Daniel is going to be disgusted, be angry at Jihoon for even thinking that Daniel would be okay with Jihoon being such a freak. Jihoon waits for Daniel to walk away, to shout at him, to do anything.

Suddenly, Daniel grabs his wrist and starts pulling him in the opposite direction of their school, and doesn’t say a word the entire way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They end up near the riverbanks a few miles away from their neighbourhood. Daniel finally lets Jihoon’s wrist go, and Jihoon takes a good look around. The sun has already risen, and the clear surface of the river perfectly reflect the light off the calm waters.

There is no one around except for Jihoon and Daniel.

“Daniel hyung?” Jihoon prompts when Daniel doesn’t say anything. “You can tell me what you feel. I know it’s wrong, and that boys should like girls. There must be something wrong with me, I just don’t know why I feel like this.”

This time, Daniel grabs Jihoon’s shoulders aggressively, shocking Jihoon. There is something in Daniel’s eyes that Jihoon has never seen before.

Anger, rage.

“Listen to me, Park Jihoon,” Daniel says in a tone that Jihoon isn’t familiar with. “Listen carefully, because I mean every word I’m saying right now.”

Jihoon gulps and nods, bracing himself for the worst.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly normal. Don’t ever talk about yourself like that again – like you don’t matter.”

Daniel’s words are a shock to his system. 

“B-but, why? Why do I have to like boys? Why can’t I be like everyone else?”

Daniel takes his hands off Jihoon’s shoulders and squats down to pick up something from the ground under their feet. Jihoon’s eyes follow Daniel’s actions.

“Let’s say that these four rocks are people. Two are boys, and another two are girls,” Daniel says, holding up four rocks in his palms, and separates the rocks into groups of two. 

“If this rock and this rock are together,” Daniel continues, switching the rocks in his hands, “do you see anything different?”

Jihoon shakes his head, “No, they’re just rocks.”

Daniel smiles for the first time that morning, “That’s what I mean. There’s no difference. People are still people whether they like boys, or girls, or both. You don’t have to beat yourself up over this, because either way, you’re still Park Jihoon.”

Jihoon feels a sense of happiness and anticipation rising from his chest when the words escape Daniel’s mouth. Although he knows that not everyone is going to think the same way as Daniel, it’s enough. Just having Daniel stand on his side is enough.

They sit on the riverside, and make no effort to go to school that day.

“Tell me, Jihoonie,” Daniel’s voice is playful when he raises the topic. “Who is the lucky boy that caught your eye?”

Jihoon blushes, feeling heat rush to his face. 

“Is it Jinyoung?” Daniel asks, and Jihoon can’t help but smile at the mere mention of the boy’s name. He nods, playing with his fingers – a habit of his Daniel pointed out whenever he got nervous or shy.

“Are you going to tell him?” Daniel continues, enjoying Jihoon’s obvious embarrassed behaviour.

Jihoon shakes his head and looks into the distance. “I don’t think Jinyoung likes boys. He’s been talking to me about this other girl he wants to ask out from the other class.”

Daniel’s hands rest on Jihoon’s. “Jihoon ah, you’re brave enough by coming to tell me. You’re an amazing person, I’m sure someone worthy of your love will come by soon.”

Jihoon feels his heart warm at Daniel’s words.

“Thank you, hyung.”

“Hm? What for?”

“Everything. Just, everything and anything.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_March 2012_

When Jihoon enters middle school, Daniel moves onto high school. Still, they make sure to ride their bikes to the crossroads where they separate under the sunrise every morning. It’s always hard to say goodbye to Daniel, even though Jihoon knows they’re going to see each other again.

The first day of middle school is horrible.

“Hey, kid,” a rough voice behind Jihoon calls out, and the next thing Jihoon knows, he’s being pushed against the lockers. An unfamiliar face leans in closer to him, and he can smell the lingering smell of cigarettes on the boy’s uniform.

“Y-yes?” Jihoon stutters, looking around for someone to step in and help him.

No one stops to look at Jihoon, no one even spares a glance at the scene before them.

“You got any money with you?” the boy growls, and Jihoon nods. Almost immediately, he fishes out his wallet from his pocket and the bully snatches it from his hands. He takes out all the money given to Jihoon by his parents and throws Jihoon’s wallet back onto the ground.

The boy ruffles Jihoon’s hair roughly before smirking, “I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

Tears prick Jihoon’s eyes, but he manages not to break down in front of the entire student population. He half expects someone to come up to him after the bully leaves, but the students walk past him like nothing happened.

What a cruel world, Jihoon thinks, picking up his wallet from the floor and putting it back into his pocket. More than anything, he wishes Daniel was here with him now.

Daniel would know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon eats his lunch away from the crowd, at a table in a secluded corner. He had no friends – no one wanted to be associated with him, after rumours had spread that he was the new target of the school.

He bites into his peanut butter sandwich his mother made for him.

Three years, Jihoon thinks. Three years until he can get out of this hellhole.

Daniel finds out about the bullying a few days after it happens. It’s no use, for Jihoon to hide anything from Daniel, because the other boy reads him like an open book.

He knows when Jihoon is hungry, sad, or mad. So when Jihoon doesn’t respond to Daniel’s daily stories about high school one night in Jihoon’s bedroom, Daniel starts grilling Jihoon for the reason behind his odd behaviour.

It only takes Daniel five minutes to get the truth out of Jihoon.

“You’re telling me that there’s a boy taking your money every single day,” Daniel repeats calmly, almost to the point where it’s scary, “And bullying you? And you didn’t tell me?”

Jihoon tries to shrug it off, “It’s nothing, hyung. I… I can solve it.”

Daniel joins Jihoon on the bed, holding his hand, “No, let me help you. You don’t have to face this alone.”

The words trigger Jihoon’s tears to start falling. All the pent-up anger from being treated like he was trash not just by the bully, but by the entire school. All the pent-up sadness from having to eat his lunch alone in the cafeteria. All his bottled-up feelings pour out at once, and Jihoon’s tears don’t stop even after Daniel wraps him in his tight hug.

“We should… tell our parents,” Daniel suggests, “They would know what to do.”

Jihoon shakes his head, his cheeks flushed from crying so hard, “No, we can’t. My parents would be heartbroken.”

“So you’re just going to let this boy treat you like this? I won’t stand for this, Jihoon. Fuck, I’m going to kill him,” Daniel threatens, and for a moment, Jihoon freezes at Daniel’s unfamiliar use of profanity. “Jihoon, what is his name?”

“Promise me you won’t hurt him,” Jihoon replies, scared that Daniel would do something that he would regret in the future.

“Jihoon,” Daniel prompts, “He hurt you. I’m not going to let anyone make you cry.”

Jihoon knows that Daniel means every word he says, but he doesn’t want more trouble to come his way, so he just shakes his head. There’s nothing more Jihoon wants than for the bully to be punished for his actions, but he knows it’s not going to make anything better.

“Hyung, just stay here with me,” Jihoon says, “That’s all I need you to do.”

Daniel’s jaw relaxes, and his eyes look less filled with rage. He sighs, giving in to Jihoon.

“I’m here, I’m always going to be here.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_August 2014_

Jihoon has no intentions to attend his annual school dance. He skipped the first year, and is planning on skipping on the event this year as well. After all, there is no reason for him to be there. He doesn’t have a friend in this school, much less a date.

When Daniel knocks on his bedroom door wearing a suit, Jihoon almost mistakes the date for April Fools.

“And the occasion is?” Jihoon eyes Daniel suspiciously. He had thought Daniel was coming over to play video games with him again.

Daniel hands Jihoon a bouquet of flowers he had been hiding behind his back – to be more accurate; a bouquet of canola flowers, as bright yellow as the one in the fields.

“Just bringing my date to the dance?” Daniel says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Hyung,” Jihoon protests, “If you’re trying to make fun of me being a loser who has no one to go with to the dance, it’s not working. I’m not going, and that’s that.”

Daniel doesn’t look the least bit surprised at Jihoon’s reaction. In fact, the smile on his smile tells Jihoon that he expected Jihoon to react like this.

“Not the stupid cliché school dance everyone goes to,” Daniel says, “It’s a dance just for you. And me, your dashing date for tonight.”

Jihoon does have to admit that Daniel looks extra handsome tonight. He’s even made the effort to style his hair, and put on a nice suit.

“What’s with the suit?” Jihoon smiles, unable to contain his happiness anymore.

“I’m trying to make this as real as possible,” Daniel insists, “Now turn on some music and let’s dance.”

“I don’t have a suit,” Jihoon protests.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t know how to dance.”

“I’ll teach you.”

“I-“

“Oh for God’s sake, Park Jihoon! Just dance with me.”

Daniel swoops in to wrap his right hand around Jihoon’s waist, and his left hand searching for music on his phone. He smiles contentedly when he finds the right track and throws his phone onto Jihoon’s bed, his left hand now holding Jihoon’s right.

“Taylor Swift?” Jihoon giggles as “Love story” plays in the background while they waltz around in Jihoon’s bedroom. “That’s really romantic.”

Daniel laughs along, but guides Jihoon along as they dance to the beat. 

“Nothing can be more romantic than dancing with a handsome boy to love story, believe me.”

Jihoon doesn’t believe Daniel, but he nods to humour him. They dance wordlessly for a moment, and let Taylor Swift’s voice fill the comfortable silence between them

Suddenly, Jihoon doesn’t feel like a loser anymore. With Daniel, he’s always been something more.

“Thank you, hyung,” Jihoon smiles when Daniel twirls him around.

“You’re welcome,” Daniel replies, “I didn’t want you to feel left out.”

“The canola flowers are pretty,” Jihoon comments, suddenly embarrassed at staring at Daniel for too long.

Daniel smiles in agreement, “They reminded me of the first time I met you.”

_Me too._

Jihoon doesn’t have to say it out loud, but he knows Daniel hears him. 

He always has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_September 2015_

Daniel convinces their parents to let them camp at the riverbanks as a graduation gift before Daniel flies to Seoul the next day. Jihoon is moving onto high school, while Daniel is going to college – 300km away from Busan. It feels almost unreal to Jihoon, that he’s not going to see Daniel around in their quaint neighbourhood anymore.

“Here,” Daniel says as he takes out a few cans of beer from his bag and Jihoon’s eyes grow big in amusement. “It’s both a graduation and birthday gift, because I won’t be here for your birthday.”

Jihoon accepts the can of beer Daniel passes to him, “Are you sure? I’m not legal, though.”

The sound of Daniel’s beer can opening fills the air, and Daniel helps Jihoon open his as well.

“You’re sixteen, you’re practically legal to do anything you want to right now,” Daniel assures Jihoon. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you if you get drunk.”

That convinces Jihoon, because he knows Daniel always keeps his word. The bitter taste of the beer makes Jihoon cringe, but he smiles when the alcohol burns his throat – it’s somehow refreshing at the same time too.

“I can’t believe you’re going to college, hyung,” Jihoon gushes when he finishes his can of beer. He thinks he feels fine, a little lightheaded but he feels warm and comfortable in the little tent they set up.

Daniel hums as he finishes his second can of beer, “Yeah, I’m finally going to Seoul. Do they have robots in Seoul?”

Jihoon chuckles at Daniel’s innocence. Although Daniel is three years older than he is, Jihoon often feels like he’s the one that has to take care of the other boy.

“I was young then, I don’t remember much. I’m sure robots do exist in some parts of the world, maybe not in Seoul. You’ll find out when you get there.”

Daniel grins cheekily at Jihoon as he opens his third can of beer.

“Go slow,” Jihoon warns. Daniel offers him another can in response, and Jihoon accepts it.

“Jihoon ah,” Daniel slurs, his eyes hazy. Jihoon laughs at Daniel’s drunkard behaviour, it’s almost unfamiliar; this side of Daniel.

“Yes, hyung?” Jihoon replies, knowing Daniel is already drunk, but decides to humour him anyway.

Silence fills the tent, and for a moment, Jihoon thinks that Daniel is already asleep. Daniel proves otherwise when he scoots in closer to Jihoon, their bodies touching. Jihoon takes the beer can away from Daniel’s hand. 

“I’m… going to miss you so much,” Daniel says sleepily, rubbing his eyes and squinting to see Jihoon better.

Jihoon’s heart pangs for many reasons. He realises how much he’s going to miss having Daniel around. No one to ride bikes to school with, no one to watch sunsets with. No one to wipe his tears away when he’s having a hard time.

Jihoon chokes back his tears, because this is meant to be a happy graduation occasion, and he’s not going to ruin it by crying.

“Me too, hyung,” Jihoon chirps, trying to sound as positive as possible, although he knows Daniel doesn’t buy it. “You’re still going to come back during your vacation, right?”

Daniel nods against Jihoon’s chest, his eyes closed but his lips curled into a smile.

_I want to kiss you right now._

Jihoon blinks. Once. Twice. 

Did he just think that about Daniel?

“Not enough,” Daniel slurs, moving his head around his Jihoon’s lap to find a comfortable position to sleep. “Want to see you… every day.”

Jihoon is reeling in from the shock, and doesn’t reply Daniel. His brows furrow in confusion, not understanding why his heart is pounding so hard when they aren’t doing anything special. They’re just doing what normal friends do.

“Hoonie?” Daniel’s voice fills the tent, bringing Jihoon’s attention back to him again.

“Yes?” Jihoon replies, hating that his eyes are trailing to Daniel’s lips again. He forces himself to tear his gaze away.

“I… got you a present,” Daniel says, opening his eyes. “Can I give it to you now?”

“A present?” Jihoon choruses, now curious. “What for?”

Daniel manages to pull himself up from Jihoon’s lap, but he staggers along the way up, and it looks almost comical to Jihoon. Daniel sits upright and faces Jihoon.

“It’s an early birthday present,” Daniel explains, looking a tad bit sheepish. “But I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

“What is it?” Jihoon asks, now excited. “You know I like anything you get me.”

Daniel chews on his lower lip, and Jihoon has to resist staring with all his might. Daniel takes a deep breath, and leans in closer to connect their lips.

The feeling of Daniel’s lips against his is a something foreign. In the nine years they’ve spent together, they’ve done almost everything together. 

But this? This is something new.

The first thing Jihoon’s brain registers is the taste of beer on Daniel’s tongue and lips. The next thing he registers is that his best friend is kissing him.

And the last thing – Jihoon is kissing him back.

Daniel’s kisses are hungry and desperate, and Jihoon tries his best to match up with Daniel’s pace. He shivers as Daniel’s hands wrap around his waist, and unconsciously places his hands on Daniel’s shoulders.

Jihoon’s heart is a fury of emotions. Confusion, anticipation, and fear.

Suddenly, the sensations disappear.

Jihoon opens his eyes to find Daniel’s eyes staring back at his. Their lips are no longer connected to each other.

“Jihoon,” Daniel breaks the silence in the air. “I… I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Jihoon bites down on his lower lips to stop himself from crying. For fuck’s sake, Jihoon thinks, why is he always crying in front of Daniel?

“No, hyung,” Jihoon dismisses Daniel’s apology. “Forget it. It was nothing. We should um… go to sleep.”

“Do you… want to talk about it?” Daniel suggests.

Jihoon wants to say yes, because he wants to know exactly what was going through Daniel’s mind when he kissed Jihoon. Did he mean it? Or was it the alcohol doing the talking for him?

Whatever the reason, Jihoon decides he doesn’t have the courage to face it.

“No,” Jihoon replies. “I don’t think I want to.”

“Okay,” Daniel says, “Let’s just… go to sleep.”

Daniel blows out the candle Jihoon brought from home and the lights go out, darkness enveloping the two boys. 

Jihoon doesn’t sleep a wink that night, and he can tell Daniel didn’t either from the dark circles under his eyes the next morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They don’t talk about the kiss, or anything related to it on the way to the airport. Jihoon just looks out the window of the taxi, and watches the clouds float past. Daniel keeps his eyes plastered on the road ahead of them.

“I um… I’ll see you later?” Daniel says when they reach the departure gate at Busan airport.

Jihoon nods, pulling himself together to make sure he says a proper farewell to Daniel before he flies off. “Sure, hyung. You’ll see me soon, anyway.”

Daniel hesitates on his next words, and Jihoon swoops in before Daniel can say anything to ruin the farewell.

“Eat well!” Jihoon interrupts. “Make sure not to take any type of seafood, you know how bad your allergies can act up. And I packed a few bottles of insect repellent in your bag for you. I’m not sure if Seoul has many insects, but you know, just in case.”

It’s strange, to have a normal conversation with Daniel after last night.

Both of them know they’re far from okay right now.

Still, Daniel nods, pulling Jihoon close to him for one last hug.

“Take care of yourself, hyung,” Jihoon says, and in a voice almost akin to a whisper, “Don’t forget about me.”

Jihoon almost thinks Daniel doesn’t hear it, but is proven otherwise when Daniel whispers back, “I’m never going to forget you.”

They wave goodbye, and Jihoon watches Daniel walk through the departure gates, lugging his black luggage behind him. Daniel fishes out his phone and earphones, and looks back one last time to wave to Jihoon.

He disappears into the airport, and Jihoon turns to leave.

Jihoon blinks back his tears, the kiss they shared from last night still lingering in his mind.

_I want to be with you forever._

Jihoon doesn’t know what that means, whether he wants Daniel to stay by his side as a friend, or maybe as something even more than that.


	2. we, us.

_February 2018_

At first glance, Jihoon can already tell how much Daniel has changed. The most obvious change is his height, he looks like a giant from Jihoon’s point of view. He easily towers over all the other people waiting at the arrival gate, and spots Jihoon almost immediately. 

The next thing that has changed drastically about Daniel is his strength. When Daniel rushes forward to give Jihoon a hug, his arms suck the breath out of Jihoon. Still, he doesn’t pull away – because he’s missed Daniel too much.

Three years – is the exact amount of years they haven’t seen each other.

Too long – is the amount of time they’ve spent apart.

However, upon a closer look, Jihoon can see everything about Daniel that hasn’t changed. His very obvious two front teeth that stick out, his famous Samoyed looking eye-smile, and the way he still manages to make Jihoon’s heart go crazy for no apparent reason.

“God, you smell like home,” Daniel whispers.

They never talked about the kiss that left Jihoon confused his entire life in high school. Daniel never brought it up in their short-lived phone calls, and Jihoon had no confidence to ask about it either. Daniel used all their phone conversations to talk about his friends and college life – Jihoon just listened.

“You… smell different,” Jihoon replies, not quite knowing why Daniel doesn’t smell like the spring mornings in Busan anymore. Three years in the city must have affected him a lot, Jihoon thinks.

“I’m still Daniel, your Daniel hyung,” Daniel says, helping with one of Jihoon’s luggage. “You did so well in high school, you could have gone to a different university. Why did you want to come here?”

Jihoon bites on his lower lip.

_Because I wanted to be with you._

“The other colleges didn’t have the course I wanted to study,” Jihoon lies, and Daniel nods, easily believing Jihoon. 

Jihoon doesn’t think he can wait for Daniel anymore. He’s getting impatient, wanting to know why Daniel has kissed him out of the blue back then. The entire plane ride here, he had planned out how he wanted to bring up the topic as casually as possible. 

Daniel is still talking about college ghost stories when Jihoon grabs his arm to grab his attention.

“Daniel hyung.”

“Yes?”

“Back then-“

_Back then, why did you kiss me?_

“Wait! I have something I wanted to tell you first. I never got to mention this on our phone calls before because we always had so little time – but Jihoon, I have a boyfriend. He’s really nice, I think you two would click well together!”

_Oh._

“Oh,” is all Jihoon says, because he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to react.

Happy? Sad? Mad? 

“Congratulations?” Jihoon adds when Daniel waits for him to elaborate on his vague reaction. Jihoon doesn’t have the heart to say anything else, he barely manages a smile only because Daniel looks too happy to break the news to him.

Suddenly, college life isn’t as exciting to Jihoon as he had thought it would be. He’d dreamt of this day forever – to be in the same school as Daniel again.

“I’m so glad you’re finally here,” Daniel gushes, “I was beginning to miss you so much.”

It’s not enough to make up for the empty space in Jihoon’s heart anymore. He nods numbly, and follows Daniel outside, where he flags down a taxi.

Jihoon doesn’t have to ask Daniel the question anymore – he already has the answer.

Their kiss wasn’t supposed to mean anything to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_March 2018_

It almost feels habitual, when Jihoon’s legs carry him to the college’s business block’s rooftop. Although his friends had invited him out to lunch, he refuses and texts Daniel to ask for his location again.

“At the rooftop, don’t come up. I’ll be down in five,” Daniel had said.

Five minutes is five minutes too long, Jihoon thinks. He takes the elevator to the highest level, then takes two flights of stairs up to come face with the rooftop door, which is ajar; indicating that someone is on the roof.

Jihoon’s heart beats wildly at the thought of seeing Daniel again.

He pushes the door open, and his heart cheers when he sees Daniel. 

“Daniel hyu-“

And there’s someone else next to Daniel, laughing with him. Jihoon can’t stop the words from flowing out in time, and both boys turn to look at who has intruded their private time.

“Jihoon?”

Daniel neither looks happy nor surprised to see Jihoon. Instead, he frowns and walks up to where Jihoon is. 

“I told you not to come upstairs.”

Jihoon feels his heart drop, he’s never heard Daniel use this tone of voice with him before. Usually, Daniel’s voice is warm, comforting. It reminds Jihoon of home. Today, his voice is icy and unapproachable.

His eyes trail down instinctively, embarrassed. Then, he spots something in Daniel’s hand. Jihoon squints, but he already knows what it is.

“You smoke now?” Jihoon’s breath hitches when he asks. He hopes Daniel denies, and tells Jihoon it’s all just for fun. 

“I-“ Daniel protests, then lets his shoulders go slack. “Yes, I do.”

No wonder Daniel didn’t smell like home anymore when they hugged at the airport.

It’s not so much the smoking, it’s more of how Daniel has completely changed in the three years they had spent apart. Jihoon was a fool to think that they would always be the innocent and pure young boys from before.

“Let me finish up with Seongwoo, then I’ll come down and we can have lunch together, okay?” Daniel’s voice is less aggressive. 

Jihoon forces himself to smile. 

“It’s fine, hyung. I totally forgot, Daehwi wanted to have lunch with me. I’ll catch up with you later, then!”

Without hearing Daniel’s reply, Jihoon turns back and runs down the stairs, tears springing into his eyes. It was selfish of him, really, to think that Daniel would always be beside him.

Daniel had made his decision a long time ago. Jihoon was the only one hanging onto false hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_April 2018_

Jihoon doesn’t know how he ends up at a college party one Friday night. Somehow, Daehwi had convinced him that he needed to relax before his exams, and there stood Jihoon, a cup of beer in his hands and in between two people that he didn’t recognise.

Parties were loud – and Jihoon could put up with that, at least.

This party was wild. 

People were throwing up left and right. Bodies were being pressed against each other, and while Jihoon tried his best to not touch anyone, it was almost impossible when there were at least 50 people in this small living room.

He tries pushing his way out, to look for Daehwi or anyone he at least recognised, but he physically feels himself being swallowed up by the booming music and dancing bodies.

Then, he feels a strong grip on his arm, and he gets pulled out of the suffocating crowd.

A handsome, youthful face greets Jihoon when he’s finally led to a brighter area.

Lai Guanlin, cute Taiwanese boy in your accounting class, Jihoon reminds himself.

“Jihoon, right?” Guanlin says over the loud music. 

Jihoon nods.

“You looked like you wanted to die in there, so I pulled you out. Hope that’s okay!” Guanlin leans down to say into Jihoon’s ear because the music is just too loud to have a proper conversation.

Jihoon flashes Guanlin a thumbs up, to which the other boy responds with a smile.

They stand around at the side of the room, Jihoon observes other girls and boys chatting each other up naturally, and wishes he could do the same. Next to him, Guanlin is talking to a senior happily as well, and Jihoon nervously takes a sip of his drink.

He’s never drank after that night with Daniel.

The familiar bittersweet taste of the alcohol reminds him of everything. 

Fortunately, Guanlin taps on his shoulder to get his attention before he can let his mind go to places.

Again, Guanlin leans to talk into Jihoon’s ear, sending goose bumps up his skin.

“It’s really noisy down here. Do you want to go upstairs to talk?”

Immediately, warning sirens in Jihoon’s mind go off. He should reject, say that Daehwi was probably looking for him as well. 

But it’s Guanlin. Harmless, good natured Lai Guanlin.

He lets Guanlin take his hand and lead him past the crowd and up the stairs. Little by little, the music starts to fade and Jihoon’s ears finally stop ringing. 

“Woah, not here,” Guanlin quickly shuts a door after peeking in, sending Jihoon into a fit of giggles at his cute antics.

At the sound of Jihoon’s laughter, Guanlin turns to look at him. 

Guanlin’s ears tinge red and he smiles shyly at the floor. 

“I can’t believe it.”

“Believe what?”

“That you’re here. I’ve been trying to get your attention for the longest time in class. You never seem to notice me, I was beginning to lose hope.”

Jihoon chokes on air, then looks around to see if anyone’s heard their conversation. Luckily, everyone else seems too distracted by the booze or music to listen in on Guanlin’s confession. 

“W-what do you mean?” Jihoon laughs nervously, pretending to play it cool because did Lai Guanlin really just confess to him?

Guanlin sighs and pulls Jihoon closer to him, “You’re always looking somewhere else. I tried asking you out for lunch once, but chickened out.”

Jihoon’s mouth opens to defend himself but closes again, because he doesn’t know what to say. 

“Can we go inside?” Guanlin gestures to an empty room. “It’s super noisy out here, I want to talk somewhere quieter.”

Jihoon gulps, and chides himself for even allowing himself to think that Guanlin had bad intentions for trying to lead him into an empty room. Besides, Jihoon had nothing else to do at this party – and a talk with Guanlin wouldn’t hurt, would it?

He nods, and Guanlin turns the knob to open the door.

Jihoon’s heartbeat mirrors the beat of edm music from downstairs.

He’s making the right choice, right?

“Jihoon!”

Jihoon almost misses the voice calling out for him over the booming music, but his ears pick up the familiar voice and turns around to come face to face with Daniel. 

It’s been a few weeks since Jihoon has seen his friend. He wants to attribute it to them having classes in different buildings, but deep down he knows he’s been avoiding Daniel ever since that awkward encounter with Daniel and the other boy on the rooftop. They’ve only exchanged smiles and nods from across the cafeteria, and Jihoon has stopped himself countless times from messaging Daniel first – in order to spare himself from the disappointment that would follow.

“Where are you going?” Daniel asks, but his eyes aren’t meeting Jihoon’s. Instead, they’re trailing down to Jihoon’s and Guanlin’s interlocked fingers.

Suddenly, Jihoon feels conscious of the physical contact he’s having with another boy in front of Daniel, and lets Guanlin’s hands go.

“We were just going inside to talk,” Jihoon replies, looking at Guanlin for affirmation. The other boy nodded, and slung an arm around Jihoon’s shoulder. “It’s too noisy out here.”

Daniel sighs, then pulls Jihoon towards him with so much force that Jihoon practically body slams into Daniel’s chest.

“Jihoon doesn’t want to go in with you,” Daniel says plainly to Guanlin, who looks both shocked and confused at Daniel’s actions.

“If you’re implying that I was trying to do something terrible to him you’re wrong,” Guanlin says between clenched teeth and looks down at Jihoon. “Jihoon, we were just talking, right?”

Jihoon opens his mouth to agree, but is cut off by Daniel again.

“He’s going home right now. With me.”

Without another word, Jihoon is led away from Guanlin and out the door. Daniel doesn’t say anything and Jihoon follows silently behind, half embarrassed that Daniel had acted up in front of his friend slash classmate.

“Hyung,” Jihoon begins, running up to catch up with Daniel (who has annoyingly long legs).

When Daniel turns around to face him, there is a strange glint in his eyes. Something almost akin to anger.

“How could you be so stupid?” Daniel yells, throwing Jihoon off-guard because Daniel has never, and he means _never ever_ raised his voice at Jihoon.

Jihoon is at a loss for words, mostly out of confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

Daniel stops walking, and Jihoon follows suit. Daniel runs his fingers through his hair, looking frustrated, then grabs Jihoon by the shoulders, “Are you really that stupid to follow some boy into a room alone at a party? Don’t you know what kind of trouble you could have gotten into if I didn’t go after you?”

Ah, so it was Guanlin. Jihoon’s brows furrow and anger starts to build in the pit of his chest because for the first time, he’s not on Daniel’s side. 

“Do not call me stupid,” Jihoon says in a collected manner. “And please don’t act like you were a hero that saved me from a burning pit. In fact, you were being really rude to my friend back there.”

Daniel scoffs, which irks Jihoon’s even more.

“You call that a friend?”

Jihoon hates this – the way Daniel acts like he’s still eight years old. Like Jihoon doesn’t know how to make his own decision, like Daniel always knows best. Before he knows it, Jihoon has started an argument he doesn’t know how to end.

“Maybe I do, because in my dictionary, friends don’t kiss each other and not talk about it for three years and leave each other confused. Friends don’t act like they’re better than the other, and friends don’t talk down to each other.”

Daniel takes his hands off Jihoon’s shoulder, and looks even more defenceless than before. It’s a first for the both of them – to argue. And Jihoon hates this, but there are some things that have to be said sooner or later; this is one of those times.

“I wasn’t-“ Daniel stutters, looking for the right words to defend himself. Then, his eyes grow wider and Jihoon knows he’s thinking about the kiss they shared in that tent three years ago. “That kiss was- I don’t know.”

It’s Jihoon’s turn to laugh, but it’s more empty than happy.

“Forget it, hyung. It was nothing, I can tell. But you’ve changed and we both know it,” Jihoon smiles as he says, “And I’ve changed too, from this moment on. I’m not that innocent boy you were trying to teach how to ride a bike ten years ago. Deal with it.”

Jihoon then starts to walk away, then stops because he knows Daniel is following him.

“And don’t bother walking me home. I can take care of myself from now on.”

Daniel doesn’t know this, and he never will – Jihoon cries the whole way back to the dorms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon wakes up with a massive headache and a stomach full of regret. Unlike other drunk stories he’s been told, he remembers everything from the previous night.

Bad party, lots of alcohol, Guanlin, and Daniel.

With memories like these, Jihoon would much rather not remember anything at all. 

He starts wishing he’d never argued with Daniel in the first place, because he has no idea how he’s going to fix this hole in their friendship; or if he ever will. Will an apology suffice? 

Another part of him is still pissed with Daniel. Mostly because he’s confused.

Daniel is playing with his feelings in all the ways possible – and he doesn’t even know it. Truth is, Jihoon is more confused than ever. Every time Daniel gets closer to him, he isn’t sure if it’s out of pure friendship or something else. But Daniel has a boyfriend, which should make everything clearer to Jihoon.

Only it doesn’t. Everything is much more complicated now, and Jihoon has class in fifteen minutes.

He stops by the school café on the way to class, and orders a black coffee with no sugar because he’s going to need something stronger than his usual latte to keep him awake till night-time today.

Jihoon collects his coffee from the barista on the take-away counter on the opposite side, and finds himself looking at the person he most wants to avoid right now. (Or maybe second, because Daniel is the first.)

Ong Seongwoo is recognisable from just a glance – his sharp features are hard to miss. When Seongwoo nods awkwardly at Jihoon, he knows Seongwoo recognises him as well. Mostly from that day on the rooftop, but also from the times Jihoon has spotted him next to Daniel in school. They were attached at the hip, everyone’s “couple goals”.

“Wait, Jihoon,” Seongwoo stops Jihoon when he reaches over to collect his coffee. “Can we talk?”

“What about?” Jihoon doesn’t mean for his words to come out cold or rude, but he can’t help it.

“Daniel.”

He’s already more than half an hour late for class, and decides there’s no point attending the lecture anymore anyway. Before he knows it, Jihoon nods and sits down with Seongwoo at the table in the corner, away from the public eye.

_(Or maybe, Jihoon doesn’t care about class. He’s more interested in talking about Daniel.)_

“Daniel talked about you,” Seongwoo begins, which does catch Jihoon’s attention as much as he hates for it to. Seongwoo then adds, “A lot, actually.”

Jihoon takes a sip of his coffee – it’s bitter, but it wakes him up.

“Did he?” Jihoon asks. “We’re childhood friends, that’s why.”

Seongwoo nods, “I know. He told me all about your adventures together.”

_He didn’t tell you everything._

Jihoon feels a slight bit irritated that Daniel talked about their adventures together to a complete stranger. Maybe he was being petty, but their adventures were their little secret.

“Me and Daniel, we’ve been together for almost a year now. He smiles a lot, that boy, that was what I was attracted to,” Seongwoo laughs, looking elsewhere almost as if he’s reminiscing the past.

He knows what Seongwoo means. Daniel laughs at anything and everything in the world. It used to drive Jihoon wild, why Daniel would be so obsessed with those weird sounds he made, why Daniel would ask him to do it again, only to fall over and clutch his stomach while laughing.

Somewhere along the way, Jihoon started to want to make Daniel laugh.

His laugh was contagious, and it brought happiness to Jihoon as well – to know that Daniel was smiling and laughing because of him.

“What do you really want to say?” Jihoon cuts in before Seongwoo can talk about Daniel anymore, because for some unknown reason, his heart hurts.

Seongwoo’s eyes drop, looking uneasy.

“You and Daniel. Are you really just friends?”

Jihoon freezes. His first fear is that Daniel told Seongwoo about the kiss, but he’s sure Daniel would never talk about that to anyone else. Then, his next fear is that he doesn’t know the answer to that question.

Jihoon clears his throat awkwardly, “We are just friends. If you think I have feelings for Daniel you’re wrong, we’re just close because we grew up together.”

Seongwoo doesn’t look convinced, and Jihoon doesn’t feel convinced by his own words either.

“I’m not just asking about you, Jihoon,” Seongwoo takes a deep breath after saying, then looks straight at Jihoon in the eye. “Do you think that Daniel has feelings for you?”

Jihoon’s fingers tighten around the coffee cup and feels a surge of anger rush through his veins. 

“Impossible,” Jihoon replies. “And you shouldn’t be doubting your relationship just because we’re friends. It’s not fair to Daniel.”

Seongwoo shakes his head like Jihoon doesn’t understand anything.

“Daniel doesn’t smile when he’s with me.”

Jihoon holds his breath, regretting not rejecting this talk earlier. He wants to walk out, and stop listening to the lies that Seongwoo is about to feed him with.

“He only smiles when he’s talking about you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Jihoon chants to himself all the way back to class. There’s only fifteen minutes left in the lecture, but bearing the glares sent to him by his lecturer is way better than sitting with Seongwoo in the café.

“Jihoon!” he hears a voice whisper to him when he bursts into the lecture theatre and spots Guanlin gesturing to an empty seat beside him. He slides in, not wanting to disturb the other students.

“Hey,” Jihoon greets the other boy. “Sorry for leaving like that yesterday.”

Guanlin waves his apology off good naturedly, “I’m sorry. Your friend was right, it wasn’t cool of me to bring you inside the room. I didn’t mean anything bad – but I should have made better choices.”

Jihoon heaves a sigh of relief; because Daniel was wrong about Guanlin, and he was right all along.

“No worries,” Jihoon replies. “I’m sorry he was acting like such a jerk to you.”

Guanlin chuckles, handing Jihoon the notes he took from before, “Here. You can copy my notes. Did you wake up late?”

“Y-yeah,” Jihoon answers. He’s not about to talk to Guanlin about the strange talk with Seongwoo, anyway. “Thank you.”

“I’m so failing this class,” Jihoon sighs to Guanlin when the lecturer announces that there’s going to be a quiz next week, and he knows he’s been falling behind for the past month.

Guanlin’s eyes light up, then taps Jihoon’s shoulder excitedly. “I could study with you! We could study in the library when you’re free.”

It sounds like an amazing idea to Jihoon – to spend more time with Guanlin, and pull up his grades. (and forget about Daniel).

“Is tonight good for you?” Jihoon asks, checking his schedule.

“Yes!” Guanlin nods fervently. “It’s a date, then.”

The other boy winks cutely at Jihoon, then waves goodbye while rushing to his next class.

It’s a date?

Jihoon smiles to himself. Maybe it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Jihoon returns to his room after classes that night to take a shower then meet up with Guanlin at the library, he finds Daniel pacing around and gets the shock of his life.

“What are you doing here? How did you get in without a key?” Jihoon questions, surveying Daniel.

“Hello to you too,” Daniel replies. 

Jihoon slams his books onto the table, anger rising again that Daniel looks so calm. Like they didn’t just fight the night before.

“I’m still mad,” Jihoon says. “You can leave now.”

Instantly, Daniel’s face falls. 

“I’m really, really sorry.”

Jihoon doesn’t turn around to look at Daniel, in case he might be convinced to forgive Daniel so easily. He knows he has a soft spot for Daniel’s puppy-eyed look, and isn’t going to give in this time.

“Jihoon,” Daniel says, stepping in front of Jihoon such that their eyes meet. “I said I’m sorry.”

Jihoon sighs. “What are you sorry for? For speaking to me like I’m a kid? For being an asshole to Guanlin?”

_For the kiss?_

Jihoon wishes it isn’t the kiss Daniel is apologizing to him about, because that would mean that Daniel thought the kiss was a mistake. 

“For everything that happened last night,” Daniel assures Jihoon. “I wasn’t thinking straight. I just didn’t want you to get hurt, but I expressed it wrongly and made you look bad. I’m sorry.”

Fuck you, Jihoon thinks. And the way you make it so easy to forgive you.

“Can we please make up?” Daniel asks. “I don’t want a stupid argument to tear this friendship apart.”

Jihoon doesn’t know how to say no to Daniel, so he nods.

Daniel elopes him into a big bear hug, almost crushing him when his arms wrap around his back. Jihoon thinks he’s going to suffocate, then Daniel lets go.

“Thank you, Jihoon ah!” Daniel exclaims, a smile now plastered on his face. “I promise, I won’t ever do that again.”

And Jihoon does believe him. Because he’s not going to let a petty argument destroy their almost twelve years of friendship. Daniel made a mistake, and he apologised. Jihoon was willing to let that go.

“And,” Daniel says while swaying from side to side nervously. “I have something for you.”

A smile tugs on Jihoon’s lips, out of curiosity and pure pleasure that Daniel had gotten something for him. Still, he crosses his arms and pretends to look bored, “What do you have for me?”

“Tadah!” Daniel cheers, pulling out a shiny, red apple from behind his back. He puts the apple into Jihoon’s hands and smiles proudly.

“To show that I’m really sorry,” Daniel explains.

Jihoon’s heart feels like it’s ready to burst out of pure happiness; because this is the Daniel he remembers from the countryside. Easily excitable, and always eager to do something for Jihoon. It’s almost like nothing between them has changed.

He accepts the apple graciously and puts it into the fridge. 

“You are forgiven, Kang Daniel.”

“Kang Daniel?” Daniel choruses while watching Jihoon. “What happened to the hyung over the years?”

“It’s being put on hold for now,” Jihoon replies cheekily. “Until I decide when I want to call you hyung again.”

Before Jihoon can duck, Daniel tackles him onto the bed and wrestles the boy down. Daniel has always been the stronger one between the two, so it doesn’t surprise Jihoon when he’s pinned under Daniel’s grip. Judging by Daniel’s heavy panting, Jihoon decides he must have gotten stronger over the three years as well; but not enough to overpower his friend.

“I know exactly where your ticklish spots are,” Daniel smirks.

“Please don’t do it,” Jihoon begs, knowing that Daniel is speaking nothing but the truth. 

His pleads fall on deaf ears as Daniel proceeds to tickle his sides, sending him into a frenzy as he’s trying to alternate between laughing and actually breathing. 

“S-stop,” Jihoon holds up his hands in surrender. “I don’t have time for this right now.”

Daniel does listen this time, but doesn’t let Jihoon off the bed. “Where are you going? Do you have night classes?”

Jihoon shakes his head, “I’m meeting Guanlin at the library to study. I’m going to fail my tests if I don’t, so this is kind of an emergency situation.”

Daniel looks like a sad dog that has just been denied human affection. 

“You could study with me.”

Jihoon laughs nervously, reminding himself that Daniel is just saying this as a friend. Just a friend. 

“You’ve been bad at math since you were born. Plus, you always get distracted if you study with other people, because you’ll want to talk with them. That’s why you study alone.”

He knows too much about Daniel. Much more than he should. Much more than he can bear. It’s habitual to Jihoon, to know what Daniel likes and doesn’t like – including how he studies, what he does when he’s stressed (sleep) and how Daniel wanted to propose to his future partner (not that it’d be him; but in the canola fields).

Daniel only smiles when Jihoon recites Daniel’s studying habits like formulas he’s memorized.

“But… do you think I should go?”

Jihoon takes the risk and asks Daniel anyway, because he wants to know. He wants to give the thought of them together one more chance, even if it seems so farfetched right now.

“W-why are you asking me?” Daniel replies nervously.

_Because I want you to tell me not to go. I want you to tell me to stay with you._

“I don’t know,” Jihoon says, not looking at Daniel straight in the eye. “Should I?”

It’s torturing; to wait for Daniel’s answer. There’s an unspoken knowledge between the two boys on the same bed what Jihoon is really asking Daniel. 

“Daniel,” Jihoon repeats. “What do you think? Should I go and meet Guanlin?”

_Tell me to stay._

Daniel gulps, and lets his gaze fall.

_Should we give us a chance?_

It looks like Daniel has made up his mind, because there’s a smile on his face. And who better than Jihoon to know that it’s not a genuine one.

“You should meet him, since you promised. But be safe,” Daniel chokes out. “Text me when you reach the library.”

Jihoon understands, and Daniel gets off the bed. Somehow, Jihoon feels like the burden in his heart has been lifted. No more misunderstandings, the air from three years ago had been cleared.

“I will,” Jihoon replies, and he doesn’t even have the strength to smile back at Daniel. Without another word, he bursts out the door hurriedly, hoping Daniel doesn’t catch a glimpse of the tears flowing down his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh i am so sorry it took so long for an update.
> 
> truth is, i rewrote this chapter and the one for two worlds collide so many times because i just couldn't seem to get the feel of the chapter i wanted right. i don't think it's fair to you guys for me to put up chapters i myself don't feel confident with either ;-; but you guys understand, right?
> 
> thank you so much for waiting, though! i hope my future chapters don't disappoint you.
> 
> ps: please leave lots of comments you have no idea how many times i've read through every single comment just to motivate myself to update :]


	3. you don't have to say i love you to say i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end.

_April 2018_

Daniel curses under his breath, although there’s no one in the room except him; Jihoon left a long time ago. He looks around pathetically, then decides to go back to his own room because there’s nothing else he can do right now.

Seongwoo is sprawled on his bed, long legs dangling off the edge when he gets back. It’s not a strange occurrence, for Seongwoo to be waiting for him in his room. He’s wearing his spectacles (Daniel knows how much Seongwoo hates being seen with his glasses on; so he must be either really into the book he’s reading, or there’s something heavier weighing on his boyfriend’s mind).

“Hey babe,” Daniel calls out to Seongwoo, who has a frown on his face. “Have a test tomorrow?”

He hears Seongwoo hum, and doesn’t press him for any more answers. While looking around for something to do, he sneaks a glance at Seongwoo. His heart does the same backflips as it did a year back when he first saw Seongwoo in the crowd. In a way, he’s relieved that he at the very least, still feels something for Seongwoo.

“Scoot over,” Daniel says to Seongwoo, who willingly moves his body over to the side to allow Daniel to slip in beside him. The bed isn’t big enough to take two well-built boys, but Daniel likes the way he’s able to feel Seongwoo close to him this way.

“You look cute,” Daniel compliments, touching the rim of Seongwoo’s glasses. “Especially with this on.”

Instead of smiling like he usually would, Seongwoo sighs and takes the glasses off. 

“Do you really mean that?” Seongwoo asks, expression cold.

“Yes?” the way Daniel phrases his answer makes it come out more like a question. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Seongwoo says dismissively and closes his eyes, a hint that Daniel should have taken that his boyfriend wanted to sleep.

However, Daniel isn’t feeling very submissive today, and taps Seongwoo’s arm again. When Seongwoo’s eyes flutter open, he asks, “Tell me. I know you’re not okay, so don’t shut me out and talk to me about it.”

Seongwoo’s eyes dart around the room, a sign that Daniel recognises that Seongwoo is hesitant. “I met Jihoon today. We talked for a bit at the café.”

He doesn’t know where this is going. Daniel waits for Seongwoo to continue, but he doesn’t, so Daniel has to prompt him again, “Okay. What did you guys talk about?”

“You.”

There’s no warm present on Seongwoo’s face when he says it, his eyes are only ridden with worry and fear.

“It’s funny,” Seongwoo continues, although he’s neither smiling nor laughing when he says this. “How you only smile when you’re with him.”

Daniel’s heart drops, “What are you trying to say?”

I smile with you too, Daniel wants to say. But somehow, he doesn’t have the confidence to say it out loud (because he isn’t sure himself either)

“You’re always looking somewhere else, Daniel,” Seongwoo states. “Unfortunately, it’s not at me. I had my doubts when you couldn’t stop talking about him, but I thought he was just a really good childhood friend of yours.”

“He is,” Daniel interrupts, but Seongwoo’s glare silences him once again.

“When he came back this year,” Seongwoo continues. “I was sure. Your mind was never with me. I might be in the room with you now, but your mind is wondering somewhere else. Or to someone else.”

When Seongwoo spells it out to Daniel – it makes sense. 

It makes sense why he’s been feeling so confused and frustrated ever since Jihoon walked back into his life again. 

He never got to talk about that kiss they shared three years ago on his last night in Busan, and that alone spiralled into a big whirlwind of emotions that Daniel never got to sort out – he hid them somewhere safe, somewhere never meant to be unlocked again.

When Jihoon returned, the locked emotions had been set free again. Only this time, they weren’t just mixed with unexplained fondness for the other boy, they were mixed with a lot of confusion, misunderstandings, and helplessness.

“You like him,” Seongwoo says plainly.

“I… I like you too,” Daniel replies, grabbing at any straws he can hold onto now.

Seongwoo pushes Daniel away, sits up and gets off the bed.

“You were never in love with me. You were just trying to deny your feelings for Jihoon by getting into a relationship. Fact check: I am not interested in helping you fill the empty void in your heart,” Seongwoo snaps. 

Daniel hangs his head low in embarrassment, no arguments left to use. “I’m really sorry, Seongwoo.”

“You are a decent guy, Niel,” Seongwoo’s voice softens. “Unfortunately, you make the worst choices.”

Right, like not talking it out with Jihoon three years ago. Like using Seongwoo to conceal his feelings. Like letting Jihoon walk away, again and again.

“I’m a fucking asshole,” Daniel admits. “You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry, I was a coward.”

“You still are,” Seongwoo replies. “On the account that we were once boyfriends, I’m telling you now that your time is running out. If you think you have all the time in the world to play pretend with Jihoon, you don’t.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel runs – but he doesn’t know where he’s running to, or what he’s running away from. He’s sweating profusely after sprinting around the track at 8pm. When he can’t ignore the burn in his legs anymore, Daniel collapses onto the ground, his chest heaving.

_“If you think you have all the time in the world to play pretend with Jihoon, you don’t.”_

Daniel knows he’s a liar. A big, fat, liar when he told Jihoon to go ahead and meet Guanlin. More than anything, he wanted to tell Jihoon not to go, to stay with him.

The only thing that was stopping him was well; everything.

He didn’t know what would come next after the confession. If they got together – then what? Would they live happily ever after, or would they part ways like another normal couple, as if the last 13 years of friendship meant nothing to them.

Daniel treasured their friendship more than anything in the world. Jihoon was his brother, his family, someone he could never live without. Which is why he was terrified when he started feeling something else for the other boy. If they made a wrong move, the friendship would be destroyed forever.

“Exercising? You must be feeling really stressed out.”

Daniel jolts up from lying down on the track to see Jihoon bounding down the stairs towards him. Immediately, his lips curl up to form a smile.

“I thought you were at the library,” Daniel says bashfully.

“We finished early,” Jihoon replies. “Guanlin explained it well, so we went home early. Then I spotted a familiar figure lying down on the school’s track. Feeling down?”

“No?” Daniel protests. “Why didn’t you wear a jacket out? You get cold really easily.”

“You’re right,” Jihoon remarks. “The air in Seoul is so much colder than in Busan.”

They sit in silence for a while on the steps, a familiar serenity surrounding the both of them. Daniel hasn’t felt this in a while – when he came to college, he always felt like he had to do something to fill the silence, to make a joke or talk about his day.

With Jihoon, it was never that way. They were more than comfortable in each other’s presence. Sometimes, they could talk about under the sky (aliens, conspiracy theories, which breed of dogs were the cutest) and sometimes, they could sit for hours in silence, just appreciating the other’s company.

“Do you want to take a walk? With me?” Daniel asks hesitantly.

Jihoon nods, “Why not? If we pretend the trees are canola fields and the other people don’t exist, it’ll almost feel as if we’re back home.”

“I miss home,” Daniel remarks as they walk around the campus. “I miss your mom’s kimchi pancakes. Does she still make those?”

Jihoon laughs as he remembers. They would wait excitedly for Jihoon’s mother to finish cooking her famous kimchi pancakes at the kitchen table and dive in as soon as she put it on the table. (They would then burn their tongues, but laugh at each other anyway.)

“Of course,” Jihoon replies. “Always. An extra serving of kimchi for Daniel.”

They would also always fight over the last piece of pancake. (Daniel would let Jihoon have it in the end)

“We have to go back home soon,” Daniel says, then remembers there’s so much more in Busan he misses other than Jihoon’s cooking. “How is Jinyoung, by the way?”

“Jinyoung?” Jihoon smiles. “He’s studying architecture in Busan university.”

“No way!” Daniel gasps. “Wow, he’s going to have to build you and me many buildings in the future, since we were so nice to him. Or you were nice to him, rather. I can’t believe he didn’t notice you crushing on him.”

“Hyung!” Jihoon yells out of shock that Daniel would bring up his past so causally, then holds a hand over his mouth when he sees students turn to look at him. He turns to glare at Daniel, then whispers, “If you ever tell Jinyoung I will kill you. Plus, I don’t like him anymore. He’s my friend.”

“Oh really?” Daniel’s enjoying teasing Jihoon way too much to stop. He fakes a sad expression, “What’s going to happen to all the love letters I helped you to write back then?”

“They never got delivered,” Jihoon shrugs. He then scoffs and says, “You were the worst person to ask for help, anyway. You quoted Taylor Swift lyrics.”

“You finally found out?” Daniel jokes.

Twelve-year-old Jihoon was too easy to fool, and fifteen-year-old Daniel was in love with Taylor swift. So when the younger boy came up to him one day for help to write an anonymous love letter to Bae Jinyoung, Daniel accepted the offer immediately (plus Jihoon promised to let him have the last kimchi pancake piece for that month).

“The worst one was the Teardrops on my Guitar one, you just changed the name ‘Drew’ to ‘Jinyoung’,” Jihoon cringes as he recalls. 

“Don’t come thanking me when your future husband falls for teardrops on my guitar personalized version, kid,” Daniel teases.

 _It would be nice if it was me,_ Daniel thinks.

But the thought is too bizarre, too crazy to even fathom. Even Jihoon falls silent at Daniel’s remark, and he wonders if Jihoon is thinking the exact same thing.

Daniel clears his throat awkwardly, then asks, “How was studying with Guanlin? Is he nice?”

Jihoon nods, “The nicest. I think it’s going to be a regular thing – us studying together.”

It’s amazing, how words can have underlying meanings. How people can say one thing, but mean another. Daniel knows exactly what Jihoon is saying.

_(Hyung, I think I’m moving onto someone else now.)_

“I’m glad,” Daniel replies. “I have to meet him one day, because your parents are too soft-hearted, they would like anyone you bring home.”

Although Daniel isn’t looking at Jihoon, he knows the other boy is blushing furiously, “We’re just studying together. And he’s scared of you now, because he thinks you’re a jerk, which isn’t that far from the truth.”

Daniel instinctively pinches Jihoon’s cheeks like he did when they were younger. (they were so soft and squishy so how could he not)

“Brat,” Daniel says, but he’s smiling. 

“You love this brat,” Jihoon challenges.

_Yes, I do._

_In ways I shouldn’t be._

“Hyung?”

“Yes, Jihoon?”

“Everything between us is okay, right? We’re okay?

“Of course. We’ve always been.”

Daniel tells the truth this time, because he does think they’re going to be okay. What they have is too precious, too fragile to be changed. One wrong move, and nothing will ever be the same. Daniel can live with this, watching Jihoon from afar, because Jihoon’s happiness is his happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_November 2019_

“God, I just want to get out of this school already,” Daniel hears Jaehwan complain to Jisung in front of him. He chuckles as Jisung hits him on the shoulder and chides him for not appreciating his education, and scans the audience for any familiar faces.

A few pop up, some from the school’s football team, and some other friends he’s made in the four years here. 

The emcee calls out Jaehwan’s name, and the boy proudly walks up to receive his graduation certificate. He then proceeds to dab in front of the entire audience, drawing laughter from the audience and embarrassment from his friends.

It’s Jisung next, and Daniel thanks the heavens that he has at least one normal friend. His hands start to turn clammy as he waits for his name to be called. One again, he looks into the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of the person he most wants to see now.

“Kang Daniel,” the emcee calls out, and thankfully, Daniel’s legs do not cramp up. He shakes hands with the college dean, and smiles as his picture is taken.

“Woohoo!” a voice screams from the crowd. “Go Kang Daniel! That’s my friend, everyone!” 

Daniel’s head immediately turns to where the voice came from, and at the very back of the auditorium, he spots Jihoon on Guanlin’s shoulders, holding up a very embarrassing sign that says, “Congratulations on graduating: Busan’s prince Kang Daniel!”

Guanlin looks embarrassed (and frankly Daniel is sure he was forced by Jihoon to do this) but his eyes are only fixated on Jihoon, who is waving furiously, not caring about the stares directed to him.

The next name is called, and Daniel walks off the stage. Jisung and Jaehwan are waiting for him, and Jaehwan nudges him playfully as soon as they take their seats again.

“Jihoon is such a good friend,” Jisung gushes. “You’re so lucky.”

Lucky I am, Daniel agrees.

“A good friend knows how to embarrass you in front of the entire school,” Daniel jokes. 

“Who cares?” Jisung says a little too loudly, and gets shushed by a parent sitting in front of them. He lowers his voice and says, “We’re out of college. We can do whatever the fuck we want to now!”

“If you mean adulting, then yes,” Jaehwan dead-pans. “I’m so excited to pay taxes and work my entire life away.”

Daniel half-agrees with his friend, he’s not excited to start working. But at the very least, he’s pulled through college. Those nights spent staying up to finish his reports and projects were all worth it. Who would have known that a young boy from Busan would be able to complete a degree in Seoul?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon tackles him into a hug when the ceremony ends and everyone gathers outside for a “mingling and light refreshments” session. 

‘Congrats on graduating, hyung!” Jihoon cheers. He hands the handmade sign over to Daniel to inspect.

“You didn’t have to go all out,” Daniel sighs, but admires the sign anyway. “You were super embarrassing back there, I regret inviting you. Just know I’m not the one with two more years left in college; you can deal with the consequences yourself.”

Jihoon crosses his arms and puffs out his cheeks. 

“I tried my best,” Jihoon defends. “I can’t believe you’re practically an adult now, hyung. Just 14 years ago you were busy worshipping Taylor Swift and making me sleep on the floor in my own bedroom.”

Jihoon then proceeds to pat the crown of Daniel’s head like an adult would to a child. (he has to tiptoe, though, which Daniel thinks defeats the whole purpose. But anyway).

“You’ve grown up so much, Daniel hyung.”

“Enough of the babying,” Daniel groans. “Can’t you be genuinely nice for once?”

“Fine,” Jihoon replies. Then he claps his hands together, “We have to take a picture to show our parents. Let me look for Guanlin, he should be near the food counter area, give me a minute!”

Jihoon disappears into the crowd and reappears with a tight grip on the tall and lanky boy whose shoulders he was sitting on just an hour ago. Indeed, Guanlin does have a plate full of food in his hands, and looks embarrassed as Jihoon proceeds to nag at him about being a glutton.

“Here,” Jihoon hands Guanlin his phone and poses beside Daniel. “Make sure the sign can be seen, okay?”

“Yes, princess,” Guanlin rolls his eyes but helps them take the picture anyway.

Jihoon rushes forward to check on the picture, then hits Guanlin softly on the head, “You’re shit at taking pictures. I look so bad, take another one.”

He then re-joins Daniel, and they pose for the picture again.

“Go lower, babe,” Jihoon tells Guanlin, to which he obediently follows and spreads his legs more such that the camera is at a suitable angle.

Babe? Daniel doesn’t let that slip, and raises his eyebrows at Jihoon.

“Later,” Jihoon mouths and they resume their usual pose.

When Jihoon is finally satisfied with the pictures, he lets Guanlin run back to the buffet area and walks around the auditorium with Daniel.

“You didn’t update me about the progress between the two of you?” Daniel says as soon as Guanlin is out of earshot.

Over the past year, Jihoon had insisted that he and Guanlin were just friends. (Just friends that liked studying with each other only, just friends that knew each other’s schedules by heart, and just friends that went on dates on special holidays).

“Fine,” Jihoon admits defeat. “We’re trying something out for now.”

“What does that even mean? Are you guys dating? Did he ask you out?” Daniel tries to sound enthusiastic, he doesn’t even know why he shouldn’t be happy. 

“He asked me out in October last year,” Jihoon recalls, a smile meeting his lips as he pretends to play with the hem of his shirt. 

Daniel gasps, jaw agape.

“You made him wait a year for your reply?” Daniel says when he recovers from the shock.

When Jihoon doesn’t say anything, he adds, “You’re really something, Park Jihoon. You’re a heartbreaker. Poor boy, to be in love with you.”

“I was waiting to see,” Jihoon finally says.

“See what?” Daniel replies, but doesn’t meet Jihoon’s eyes.

In case his mind goes to places, he doesn’t even want to glance in Jihoon’s general direction. 

_(Waiting to see if you wanted to give us a chance)_

“Waiting to see if he really wanted to date me,” Jihoon clarifies awkwardly. “Maybe he asked me in the spur of the moment, so I told him we should take it slow first.”

“Ah,” Daniel nods uselessly. He chews on his bottom lip, “So you guys are together now?”

_Ask me one more time, Daniel thinks._

_Ask me if I think you two should date. This time, I won’t lie. This time, I’ll be brave, and I’ll confess to you. I won’t let you slip away again._

“Jihoon, are you?” Daniel prompts. It’s at this moment he regrets all the other times he’s missed Jihoon. 

They missed each other when they didn’t want to talk about the kiss three years ago. They missed each other when Daniel told Jihoon he had a boyfriend. They missed each other again when Jihoon asked him if he should meet Guanlin.

Their relationship was made of missed timings and being at the right places at the wrong times.

_Just ask me one last time._

“Yes,” Jihoon says. “Yes, Guanlin and I are dating.”

Daniel smiles, but inside, his heart cracks. 

This time was no different, they had just missed each other again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_March 2021_

Jihoon and Daniel return to the canola fields when they’re in full bloom, just like the first time they met each other. This time is no different, and Daniel is glad to know the fields bring him the same warmth as they did 16 years ago.

It was no dilemma – when Jihoon had graduated from college and Daniel asked him where he wanted to go as a graduation trip. 

Busan was where their memories would always be kept.

The innocence of 2005.

The warmth of 2008.

The uncertainty of 2011.

The separation in 2015.

16 years seems like forever to Daniel. When he looks back at the memories they shared, it seems like too short a time.

The smell of kimchi pancakes coming from Jihoon’s kitchen makes Daniel feel like he’s a young boy again, and he knows fully well the meaning of Jihoon’s smile. 

“Last one there doesn’t get any kimchi pancakes!” Jihoon announces a spontaneous race, sprinting as fast as he can to the house, with Daniel following close behind.

“You cheated!” Daniel accuses when he bursts into the house.

“Daniel! Shoes outside!” Jihoon’s mother points at Daniel’s sneakers and he holds up his hands in surrender. Jihoon is still shooting him the same smug smile from before while he shoves the burning hot pancakes into his mouth.

“Don’t burn yourselves,” Jihoon’s mother warns. 

Still, they scald their tongues and fight for the last piece of kimchi pancake on the plate.

In the end, Daniel lets Jihoon have it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon’s legs dangle off the edge of his bed that night, but he lets them stay that way. He used to be afraid of the monster that would grab his legs and pull him somewhere scary when he was young, but not anymore. 

Daniel still snores in his sleep, and Jihoon throws a pillow at him out of frustration.

“Ow!” Daniel yells, rubbing his eyes. “What was that for?”

“Snoring,” Jihoon replies. “But mostly for telling me no monsters would get to me when I was young because I was so ugly I would scare them all away.”

Daniel laughs, “But it did help you overcome your fear, didn’t it?”

“You are terrible,” Jihoon sighs. “If you snore one more time I’m going to kick you out of my room. I don’t understand why you have to sleep here when you have your own bed next door.”

‘For old times’ sake,” Daniel insists. “I can’t not snore when I sleep! Let’s do something interesting.”

That gets Jihoon’s attention, and he sits up immediately.

“Like what?”

It’s dark, so Jihoon can’t see the evil smirk on Daniel’s face, but he can hear it through the sneer in his voice.

“Your homeboy here might have somehow gotten Bae Jinyoung’s number, and I think it’s about time he has to know that he has yet to receive love letters from a certain someone.”

Daniel gets hit by Jihoon’s flying pillow, but it doesn’t stop him from whipping out his handphone and start looking through his contact list. Before Jihoon can yell for him to stop, the phone is already ringing.

“Hello?” Jinyoung’s sleepy voice fills the room.

“You wouldn’t,” Jihoon mouths silently to Daniel, who has a shit eating grin plastered all over his face.

“Is this Jinyoung?” Daniel asks in a cheerful voice, as if it were perfectly normal to be calling a long-lost friend at midnight. “It’s Daniel hyung here, Jihoon’s friend. From Busan!”

There’s silence on Jinyoung’s end of the line, and Jihoon hopes that Jinyoung thinks this is a prank call and hangs up on Kang fucking Daniel.

“Daniel hyung? Oh! The one that Jihoon always talks about?” Jinyoung replies happily. “It’s been so long, I haven’t been keeping in touch with Jihoon ever since he went to college.”

Daniel shoots Jihoon a smile, whispering, “You talk about me?”

Jihoon nudges Daniel hard.

“Oh well,” Daniel says. “Nothing much has been going on with Jihoon. He got a boyfriend, messed around in college, somehow managed to graduate. Pretty boring.”

“Really? Jihoon hyung is attached?” Jinyoung’s surprise is accompanied by a light laughter. “What a shame. I thought he was really cute back then in school. I’m so happy for him.”

Jihoon’s eyes grow wide and Daniel can’t stop clutching his stomach in laughter. In one swift movement, Jihoon manages to snatch the phone away from Daniel and hang up the phone. He then proceeds to delete Jinyoung’s contact because what was all that about?

“I did tell you to tell Jinyoung-ie back then,” Daniel says, still smiling. “Looks like your crush had a crush on you too.”

“Shut up before I tape your mouth,” Jihoon snaps, feeling his face heat up.

“That was fun,” Daniel comments. Jihoon doesn’t reply.

When Jihoon feels his eyes about to close, Daniel taps on his arm again.

“I thought you should know this; but I may or may not have mailed that Teardrops on my Guitar love letter to Bae Jinyoung under your name.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Kang Daniel!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_September 2026_

Daniel sighs in frustration as he removes the tie from around his neck for the 10th time that morning. Somehow, the tie just won’t look right today. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Jisung peeks in, “Why are you taking so long? Today is a special day and you wouldn’t want to be late.”

“I know!” Daniel yells out of frustration as he tries to retie his tie again. 

It’s a maroon one – Jihoon had personally picked it out for him.

“Let me do it, you high maintenance shit,” Jisung says when he figures out that Daniel isn’t going to get it right anytime soon. He skilfully helps Daniel tie the tie, and hands Daniel the blazer for his suit.

“How are you ever going to get married if you never learn how to tie a tie?” Jisung nags, watching Daniel dust his suit blazer.

“Shut up,” Daniel snaps. “Has anyone arrived yet?”

Jisung nods, “Quite a few, you should come out and mingle now. Stop sulking in here.”

“I got it,” Daniel flashes a thumbs up at Jisung and follows his friend out to the banquet hall, where quite a few people have already gathered. Most are already talking to each other, which saves Daniel the job of trying to make small talk with people he barely knows.

He catches Jaehwan preparing on the stage, and asks, “What song are you going to be singing, hyung?”

Jaehwan shoots him a look, “You should know. Anyway, it’s Always. Now shoo and let me warm up my voice in case I make any mistakes later.”

Daniel gives his friend a pat on the shoulder, “Thank you for agreeing to do this, hyung.”

Jaehwan shrugs, “It’s not for you. It’s for Jihoon.”

Still, Daniel gives his friend a quick hug (he doesn’t know why he’s feeling extra sentimental towards his friends today; but as Jisung had said, today was a very special day).

He walks around the hall, making sure that everything is in place. Even though it’s technically not his job to worry about these things, he can’t help but want to make this day as special and perfect as possible.

Daniel spots a few familiar faces from college, and waves the group over to a table near the stage. He exchanges a few hugs, and small talk with his schoolmates.

Another face he can’t miss is Bae Jinyoung, who looks lost as soon as he steps into the banquet hall.

“Jinyoung!” Daniel waves the boy over. “Over here!”

“You look so happy, hyung,” Jinyoung comments. 

“That’s because I am,” Daniel replies. “Jihoon would be elated to know that you were here to see him.” 

“I received a letter from him a few years back,” Jinyoung says shyly. “It was some love letter, but it made me smile. I can’t believe he’s getting married.”

Daniel should probably tell Jinyoung that that letter was never meant to be sent out, but keeps his mouth shut because after all, his lifelong goal is to embarrass Jihoon. He seats Jinyoung near the front of the stage (to fluster Jihoon) and walks outside where he finds Jihoon’s parents greeting the guests.

“Daniel!” Jihoon’s mother greets him with a warm hug. “You look so dashing today.”

“Thank you,” Daniel flashes a toothy smile. “I’m sure the groom looks just as dashing. By the way, where is he? I haven’t seen him all day.”

“That’s because he doesn’t want anyone to see him before the official wedding,” Jihoon’s mother replies, then lowers her voice, “But since it’s you, he should be fine. He’s in the last room backstage. Door number 10.”

Daniel salutes Jihoon’s parents and walks backstage to door number 10. He hesitates before knocking, afraid that his emotions will get the better of him. Oh god forbid him to cry today.

“Come on!” Jihoon answers when he knocks.

“Daniel!” Jihoon gasps. “You can’t be here now!”

“I think I can,” Daniel smirks, and takes a seat on the couch in the room. “You have such a big waiting room, and you kept it all to yourself?”

“Fine,” Jihoon replies, knowing that Daniel is the most stubborn man in the world. “Since you’re here, how do I look?”

Jihoon is dressed in a smart black suit almost similar to Daniel’s. Only that his tie is black, and he’s done up his hair today. Usually, his bangs would fall and irritate his eyes. Today, the hairdresser had done up his hair nicely, his fringed pushed up and forehead showing.

“You look amazing,” Daniel assures. 

“Okay, good,” Jihoon sighs, then plops down next to Daniel.

“Getting jittery?” Daniel asks, watching Jihoon put a hand over his heart. 

“My stomach feels weird and I want to throw up,” Jihoon admits. “I don’t think I can eat anything tonight.”

Daniel fakes an offended expression. “I ordered all the food you liked and here you are, telling me that you’re not going to be able to eat anything?”

Jihoon glares at Daniel, “I never asked you to do that.”

“In all seriousness,” Daniel continues. “All my married friends feel this way before a wedding. You’re not the only one, it’s going to be fine!”

“Thanks,” Jihoon groans. 

In an attempt to make Jihoon feel less nervous, Daniel decides to take out the bouquet of canola flowers from his bag. Jihoon’s eyes light up and Daniel thinks his smile is almost akin to the warmth of the canola fields back in their hometown.

“You didn’t have to,” Jihoon whispers as he receives the bouquet. “You’ve already done so much for me.”

Daniel shakes his head, “I wanted to at least be the first to give you this. And I almost forgot.”

He then remembers the other item he’s prepared for Jihoon on this special day. He’s a bit shy when he takes out the bright red apple from his bag, but Jihoon’s smile makes up for the embarrassment.

“An apple? Is this an apology?”

Daniel shakes his head, “It’s not an apology. But it’s for me to know and for you to find out.”

Jihoon nods, keeping the apple in the fridge carefully. Daniel checks his watch – it’s almost time. Butterflies start appearing in the pit of his stomach again.

“I’ll see you out there?” Daniel says as he points to the wedding hall.

“Yes,” Jihoon flashes him an ‘okay’ sign. “But before you go-“

A pair of warm arms wrap around Daniel’s waist and he feels Jihoon rest his head against his back. He lets Jihoon stay like this for a while, because likes it too much to let go.

“Thank you, hyung,” Jihoon chokes out. “For everything.”

“Are you crying?” Daniel panics. He wants to turn around, but Jihoon holds him tight in his place. “You’ll ruin your makeup.”

“Not crying,” Jihoon assures, but Daniel knows the other boy probably is crying. (21 years of friendship is nothing to look down on.)

“Don’t look back, hyung,” Jihoon tells Daniel. “Just walk out the door.”

“You… sure you’re okay?” Daniel hesitates but doesn’t turn back even when Jihoon’s arms leave his waist.

“Positive,” Jihoon replies. “Now don’t look back, just walk out the door. We’ll see each other out there.”

Daniel follows Jihoon’s instructions. He wants to turn around, give Jihoon another hug and tell him not to be scared, tell him that everything is going to be okay. But he doesn’t – and follows Jihoon’s wishes for the last time. 

He doesn’t tell Jihoon – that the gift of the apple isn’t an apology.

It means, “you will always be the apple of my eye”.

_Meaning; someone that one cherishes above all the others._

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel has the best view of Jihoon from here. His legs start to wobble when more people walk into the banquet hall and get settled into their seats. The atmosphere is festive, people congratulating each other. And Daniel couldn’t be happier.

“You good?” Jisung checks on him five minutes before Jihoon is supposed to walk in. 

“Never been better,” Daniel assures his friend. Jaehwan signals to Daniel that all the music and equipment has been checked – and they’re ready to go.

“The groom may now enter the hall.”

The main doors open, and the crowd is shushed. The wedding bells play in the background and Jihoon’s mother starts to tear. 

And today, of all days, Park Jihoon looks the most beautiful.

He enters the hall with an air of confidence that anyone can pick up. But Daniel sees something more underneath the pretence. He sees insecurity, anxiety, and helplessness like the young boy he met 21 years ago.

Still, Jihoon doesn’t give in to his fears and smiles broadly.

If you look even deeper, Jihoon is happy. 

Genuine happiness, is what Daniel can pick up from watching Jihoon walk down the hall.

And that alone is enough.

“You may now recite your wedding vows.”

Jihoon’s hands are shaky, Daniel notices and he silently cheers for Jihoon.

 

 

_“I promise to love and care for you, like a friend, a companion and a lover. I promise to love you every single day, every single minute. Most of all, I promise to take care of you, no matter what life throws at us. I love you, Park Jihoon.”_

 

 

Jihoon’s eyes are glassy, and Daniel feels a surge of emotions in his chest. His heart is happy, but tears still spring to his eyes. 

It’s Jihoon’s turn to recite his vows, and his hands are shaking more than ever. His lips tremble, and Daniel has to look away in order to keep his emotions in check.

_You can do it, Jihoon._

As if they communicate by telepathy, Jihoon starts to recite his vows slowly, but steadily, looking only at his soon to be husband straight in the eyes.

 

 

“I promise to look after you and be patient with you, even if you eat more than five meals a day.”

 

 

The audience explodes in laughter at Jihoon’s first words, giving the boy more confidence to continue.

 

 

“I promise to accept all your flaws and be the best person you choose to live the rest of your life with. I also promise to love you more every day, and look at no one else but you, because you’ve stolen my heart from the start.”

 

 

The next words come the easiest to Jihoon, and Daniel knows because Jihoon's smiling so much his face might tear from pure happiness. That alone is enough for Daniel to finally let go. 

 

 

 

_“I love you, Lai Guanlin.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um... don't hate me? ;-;
> 
> thank you for all the constant love you guys shower me with i'll repay you guys with more stories (hopefully with happier endings) <3
> 
> i know the ending may be hard to accept but there's this part of me that thinks that this is the best way to end it so...
> 
> do look forward to my other stories and as usual take care!
> 
> love xoxo bapaldeul <3


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